Stop sibling rivalry: How to get yourself noticed as the 2nd child

When you are the second child things are tough, you are sharing your parents with another equally needy (in different ways) sibling. Here is a 16 months old top tips on how to get noticed as the second child.

  • Be a good sleeper at first, this will lure your parents into thinking they are totally winning at the parenting game. Anyway as you are the second child they won’t get up to every sniff and snuffle as they know you are fine, so just grab yourself a jellycat and snuggle up. Sleeping also gives your parents energy to do lots of fun things, parents are much more fun when they are not staring into space most of the day and shaking from the caffeine intake.

 

  • Build up a bond with your sibling or siblings as this makes  your life a lot easier and your parents will notice you more as you are hanging out with the one that they focus all their attention on.

 

  • Spend the first five months in your bouncy chair observing what your sibling does on a day-to-day basis, ensure you note their weaknesses. For example my parents clearly would love my brother to sit down and colour and create beautiful artwork worthy of framing and becoming part of the family home, so once you are fit enough start showing an interest in colouring, showing off you ability to sit down and hold a crayon and make a mark on the page.  Your parents will think you are genius and start muttering things like “look she might be a sit down and colour kind of child”

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My letter……

Dear Anna,

I’ve been meaning to write to your for 36 years but I’ve been brushing it aside but now I am a mother of two I think I am starting to appreciate the pain my parents and family have gone through and still going through when you died of cot death at 3 months old.

We grew together from one egg so we were carbon copies of each other but apparently I was the loud one and you were the quiet one that would roll your eyes at my dramatic ways, by the way I’m still pretty dramatic.

Obviously when you died I didn’t really know what had happened but as I grew up I would always get your memory box out of the top of wardrobe where our mum had told me  I could look at it  at anytime and I did.  I would so very carefully take your belongings out and lay them on the bed, looking and wondering what it could of been like being the “the twins” growing up. Would we of had  the same personality as we looked the same?

I use to mention you all the time to people I met but gradually over time the awkward conversations were too much and especially as when I became a mum I did n’t mention it as I didn’t want to scare anyone about the unthinkable of  losing a child. I use to cover up the awkwardness with comments like “could you imagine two of me?”, but obviously two of me would of made things complete.

Now I have two children of my own I often see a trait in them that I can’t relate to a member of the family and I think maybe this is you?

I still check my children are breathing when I go in and check on them, the first thing I look for is their little lunges moving and I have even been known to end up waking them up, a sacrifice I’m willing to take to make sure they are breathing.

You are always in our hearts and we remember the day your died every year and never forgotten on our birthday.

see you again one day

your twin sister

Jeni xxx

 

Winging it, returning to work with two children.

I returned to work at the beginning of this year after chid number two and I can safety say that we have been winging it ever since. Over 3 years ago I returned to work after my first child and I can’t really remember it being a terrible time and we did decide on having another child so it must have been ok?

Returning to work the second time round I used all my keep in touch days, this meant when I went back I was up to speed with all the changes that had happened in the year. This helped me with the anxiety of returning and to get back in the loop.  I still remember how to type, seriously there were times when I had forgotten how to type.

It was a shock to me and my husband as we weren’t ready and suddenly for three days a week we had become like passing ships in the night. It has been known for my husband to walk out of the door as I walk in. Grace who has always been a good sleeper started to wake up at night and in desperation for sleep we had to started feed her. This sleep deprivation meant we were walking round like zombies. I kept thinking “why am I feeding her again?” but sleep was what was needed so a bottle is what she got.

I thought about the main things we needed to survive, everyone needed to be fed, everyone needed cleanish clothes and everyone needed to be in the right place at the right time. I didn’t except the return to work with two children to be stress free so I had already said to myself that things were going to slide for the first month.  For example, dinners are not going to be perfect and I’m not going to be eating at 4:53pm every night and I might not make my three gym sessions a week. However, I was willing to let this go and not put too much pressure on myself and everyone else.

I prepared a three week meal plan, this was entitled “Don’t Hem Us In”. This title came about because my husband felt sticking to a strict meal plan felt too organised and he felt “hemmed” in. This meal plan did last for about a month and worked well. Now I’m going for the order more food than you need as you can always freeze it approach (I love freezing everything). I do still scribble down rough meal plans for the week but “Don’t Hem Us In” meal plan is gathering dust.

I think on the four days I’m not at work I probably complete about 12 washes, I loathe putting the washing away, its one of those things that I really can’t be bothered with Nothing gets ironed and everything gets tumble dried and whipped out quick when finished so I don’t have to iron it, lazy I know but just saving precious time.

I don’t know how everyone gets to the right place at the right time but myself and my husband work as team, dodging tantrums, predicting naps before they even know they want them and fuelled by a lot of caffeine.

A couple of months in and I would say we have reached a good balance and we don’t eat too many takeaways, the children are happy and I appreciate them a lot more the four days I have with them. I kept telling myself everything is a phase and it will get better and it has.

How to survive your first night out after having a baby

So you have grown a baby, your baby has come out one way or another, you have fed it, stayed up all night and day with it but now it’s time to get a small piece of your life back. The thought of going out on your own is daunting and going out at night with no children in the dark is scary but also exciting.

Here are some top tips on how to get yourself out there and how to survive it.

Select your crew

Don’t go out with your friends that still go out every weekend, these people have a tolerance for alcohol and never left the game, you wont be able to keep up with them and it’s going to end up messy. Pick your friends that know when to call it a night.

Plan the babysitter 

You need to get a babysitter that you can trust and you know can handle any situation, if you don’t you will be worrying all night. Ideally your other half is the best bet as they will know what they are doing. If possible try and get a lie in the next day or even better, a sleepover elsewhere.

Planning getting ready

It pretty much takes me 24 hours to get ready, this will involve a hair wash and a good hour of hair straightening the night before. Plan your outfit, work out what you can squeeze into and just go with it. You just need to cover the basics, clean hair, clean clothes and a bag that isn’t the baby’s changing bag (unless you are using you Tiba and Marl clutch). During nap time start the make up process and continue when you can after that.

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How to survive maternity leave in 10 easy steps 

Before you have a baby you visualise maternity leave as a year off and it can’t be that hard looking after a baby? I optimistically signed up for a tastecard as I thought I would be lunching out all the time, needless to say I never used that card once. Here are my tips on how to survive maternity leave.

Prep up

I stocked the house with everything so I didn’t have to leave the house in the early days, ok so this feels a bit over kill but it really helped, mainly because a trip to the shops with a baby can take all day and needs to be planned between feeds, nappy changes and general exhaustion. We had enough food and toiletries for 6 weeks!

Get yourself some Mum mates

You are not going to like everyone it’s best to find the ones that are similar to you and that make you happy. Unfortently your children are not going to always like each other and that’s ok too, this is normal. There are local Facebook groups, put yourself out there, what have you got the lose. Recently apps similar to Tinder for mum’s now exist like Mush, also playgroups are good, try it out it might not be your thing but hey you’ve given it a go.

Box sets

On maternity leave number two, I re-watched the whole of Desperate Housewives and all of Game of Thrones. At 1st I found the time whilst I was waiting for number 2 to arrive and then all the feeding and late nights provided more than enough time. 

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How to be child free in a world full of children 

Before I begin this guest spot I have a confession to make – I am child-free. Yep I’m not an official part of the gang: I don’t have a story about cracked nipples; my nether-regions are free from undue wear or repair; I regularly sleep for 8 hours a night; I can spend a day hung-over without having to watch CBeebies and between the hours of 6-8pm I’m not in the monotonous 10th circle of hell that is bath-time, story-time, bed-time. This may not be a forever affair; my husband and I are of the ‘never-say-never’ school of thought but it’s a current life choice that we can’t imagine changing anytime soon.

So, what am I doing here infiltrating the parenting blogosphere? Well this post is dedicated to all those people who, like me, happily enjoy their child-free-ness when surrounded by their friend’s child-full-ness. Yes! It’s time to celebrate our unique take-on being friends with parents.

Now I don’t know where you may be in your child-free existence, if you have maintained your hold on a wild hedonistic lifestyle with friends that regularly indulge in late night parties, groggy mornings at work and the occasional awkward one-night stand this post might not be for you. My reality is very different. Over the past decade, I have become an Aunt to 6 little people and all (bar one) of my oldest most beautiful buddies have produced 12 even more beautiful children between them. That’s a lot of small humans I need, nay want, to have in my life. If you have swapped bonkers and boozy Friday nights out for Friday nights in at your best friend’s house, quietly creeping up the stairs and not flushing the toilet for fear of waking up their little ones – this post is for you! So here we have it, my top three tips for being child-free in a world full of children…

1) Surviving a Play Date

Fizz! Have plenty of it in your fridge. When you make a date to see your pal it is highly likely that little Johnny will be present, they are either still latching to the boob, clasping your fingers as they take their first tentative steps, crying in your face at anything and everything, interrupting any semblance of a conversation you may have going with incessant questions about barn-yard animals, bin lorries, Mr Tumble and dinosaurs or (and this is even more worrying) they have disappeared into your front room and are doing something quietly… A glass of fizz is proven to get you through all of these. More importantly pour one for your buddy before they have even taken their coat off, they need to know that with you they don’t have to be that clean-eating-non-boozy-100%-besotted-child-is-everything-magnificent-totally-in-control-I’ve-got-this-nailed Mama they pretend to be with their new NCT, play-group, pre-school parenting friends. You’ve seen them naked and star-fished passed out across their beds – with you they just need to be themselves – every boozed up, anxious, paranoid, confused and human bit of themselves.

Oh, and invest in a small toy-box to keep the little critters entertained while Mum shovels sandwiches into her mouth before their butter-wouldn’t-melt offspring wreaks further havoc on your home and whatever you do move every item of personal, breakable or monetary value out of reach for the next 10 years. You have to child-proof your houses too my friends!

2) Breastfeeding

However much you may have seen your best pals best bits before, prepare to see them MORE! There is no getting around the fact that you will now see your buddies in full on Mummy mode. Get used to it. The more shy among them may try to shield you from their enormous (and I mean massive) nipples with tiny scraps of cotton but most will just think fuck it. And you know what – Yep. Get those baps out ladies. Or not, use a bottle. Whatever floats your boat and feeds your baby is good with me. There is no pressure, no judgement, no breast-is-best argument from this corner. I want happy friends. Happy well fed babies makes for happy friends. End of.

3) The Night Out Out

Now if your friends are anything like mine they occasionally still want to feel and act like the young whipper-snappers they were before the kids came along. After months of diary planning; sorting babysitters; deciding on a bar that is sufficiently young but not so young the music’s too loud and we won’t get a seat (just as important to the child-free of my age as it is to you parents I might add); countless WhatsApp chats about what to wear and changing the date at the last minute because little Hattie has chicken-pox – you are all OUT. At the same time. Together. Without children. And no one is pregnant. This is big news people. Enjoy it.

And believe me you will, your Mama’s are on a mission. They haven’t been out for months, they’ve got their dancing shoes on, organised him-in-doors to be on the early morning shift and you better be able to keep up my friend! The slightest sign that you may be weakening will not be tolerated. If you even hint at being tired you will be laughed at incoherently and god-forbid you suggest going home before 11pm. This is the night for prosecco with everything, an eating-is-cheating mantra and tequila shots by 8pm. Prepare yourself for the inevitable tactical chunder, clear your diary for the next day and enjoy this moment with your ladies.

Yes the conversation will include discussions on the best make of pram, what weaning technique is currently in vogue, how outrageous the mother-in-law is with her care-free chocolate distribution, not to mention potty training, star charts and parental sleep deprivation. However much you may think “shit-in-hell I can’t have the school chat again” have another glass of wine and remember this is your friend’s new reality. It will soon pass and in another 15 years you can start planning that big trip to Bora Bora you promised each other. But right now, go get another bottle and listen to your buddies, you can even join in – do what you always used to do. Chat. Just ‘cos you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you don’t have an opinion. Give it. But pull back when confronted with the statement “As a Parent”. Yuck. Hideous. Anathema to any conversation. If this happens go get a round of Jager and enjoy the fact that as a non-parent you can stay in bed tomorrow drinking tea and reading the papers until noon. Bliss!

So, there we have it, my new reality involves embracing all that parenthood has thrown at my nearest and dearest. I have huge respect for how they are creating and moulding their little people to become hilarious, smart, daft, intelligent and friendly humans who I really enjoy spending time with. This is not a journey that I want to take, but I love my friends and I take huge pleasure seeing how they cope with it all. Yes, I may forget your kid’s names occasionally, I may not always make it on day trips, I may even refuse your kind offer to babysit the little dears but I will always be there for you and your small people.

And that’s the best advice I can give to all the child-free living in world full of children – revel in your friends new mad and remember it’s just a phase!

See you in Vegas in 4 years and 67days.

I’d love to come out out but I can’t fit it for 4 years and 67 days.

Once we were free to go and do spontaneous things like go for a quick drink after work that ended up us being the last ones on the dance floor and daylight was dawning, having little to no sleep and then totally smash it at work the next day with tactical puking and naps under the desk or even in tape library 2 on the 3rd floor where it was cosy and warm and where no one rarely went, watching each other’s back to not get caught. Maybe it was youth and the sea air that kept us going. Weekends spent in the sun going from beach bar to old man pubs that were lined with Barbara Streisand pictures and only played show tunes (I’m waving my jazz hands), avoiding the crowds of the hen and stag dos and always ending up somewhere a bit random. The good old days, how I need a day like this to let my hair down BUT no I can’t do that for 4 years and 67 days, this will be the time that my children will be older and I won’t feel guilty leaving them as they will be independent and will want to spread their wings.
I still love you and follow you on Facebook and you look like you are having a great time in the paths you have chosen and yes I really want to hangout again and chat about random celebrities like we actually know them and reminisce about when you went out with that well known comedian and the ins and out of that!

So let’s say Vegas see you in 4 years and 67 days? We can only hope Britney is still playing by then.

12 reason why I need my Children more than they need me

So I will be entering back into the world as a childless person 3 days a week in the new year and we have started the settling in sessions so I have had time on my hands, which feels a little strange I think I have worked out that I need my kids more than they need me, here’s why.

  • When you have a child/children the world is a friendlier place where people smile, they give loving looks to your baby and toddler and say things like, “I would love mine to be that age again” “Enjoy this time as they soon grow up”.  People stop and chat they even chuckle when they hear your toddlers funny comments, it could almost be compared to be walking around in a Mary Poppins type film. When you don’t have children with you no one smiles and god forbid any type of conversation, they give you the look of “you’ve let yourself go” which brings me onto my next point.
  • Your appearance is totally excused when you have children. Bad hair, no make up, bad nails, dirty clothes, generally looking harassed is all fine with kids attached to you somewhere. If on the odd occasion I make it out without the kids and I do happen to get into a conversation (which is rare) I make some reference to having children, mainly I do this in a gym class just to excuse appearance and lack of effort.
  • When you have children its totally acceptable to drive everywhere, even if its to the end of road because the hassle of getting the pushchair and buggy board (which is sometimes the best thing I have brought and sometimes the worst) out is just too much effort but just popping the kids in the car is easier and results in everyone being warm and dry.
  • Gives you motivation to go to the gym and enjoy it, yes when you only have 3 hrs a week spare there is no “I will go tomorrow” excuse as tomorrow everything could of fallen apart, illness could of struck, someone might be having a bad day.
  • You can park in massive spaces that have room around the edge, I’m really bad at parking, bit of a cliche but when I passed my driving test (which took 5 attempts) I got my car stuck in a multi storey car park and had to ask a stranger to move it for me! I have even worked out the best parking spaces for size to open doors with enough space to get the children out, I’m fully aware this is more of an elderly past time of liking to park in the same place but when you’ve got kids its just practical, right?
  • You can act like a bit of a tit by singing, dancing and watching loads disney/pixar films.
  • Mums love chatting to other mums, it’s like you have joined a club once you have given birth where you just chat as you are all in the same boat and sometimes you just need to off load. Its not often before I had children I would talk to a stranger about poo, sick, wee etc everyone is so open.
  • You can force your children to like Lego and anything you failed at as child, just get your children to do it to fulfil your dreams.
  • When the dentist asks if you floss everyday and you answer no, you can mention I just don’t have the time, I have kids.
  • I never really knew about anything cool before but now I have got the prefect excuse because I’ve got children its totally ok to be out of the loop. Boom (isn’t that how the cool kids communicate these days?)
  • It’s totally fine to have old ikea furniture from your pre children days because as far as I’m concerned until they grow up its a free for all and something will always get broken.
  • Probably the biggest thing is I wouldn’t have anything to blog about and laugh with about, because before children the memories are starting to fade but I was pretty much either drunk or hungover and always saying I will go to the gym tomorrow

 

 

Here’s to wearing the my mother jumper on my 1st day back just to make it crystal clear.

Was I a shit 1st time mum?

silly woman slapping hand on head having duh moment

I seriously question my parenting skills from the 1st child to the 2nd child, I have either given up and just winged it or I’m so far gone from a normal childless functioning person that I just don’t understand what it would be like to have a lie in, wee on my own and get bored.

It’s obviously a lot easier as child number 2 just feeds, plays, sleeps, repeat and as long as you time most things around this cycle it works, you can go to the shops but you do have the added time delay of the pushchair but the advantage of no ticking tantrum time bombs. But I don’t remember the 1st time being this ok, was I the issue and not the 1st child?  Here’s a list of the differences for me

  • Going to weigh ins, 1st time went all the time, dreaded dressing baby in front of a health visitor as they are judging your every move (clearly not but as a 1st time mum you think they are), 2nd time taking them becomes a bit of a hassle, maybe a few times in the 1st couple of months and then it just fades away. 1st time I used weight as some kind of way of knowing you were doing ok this time its if she’s happy we are happy.
  • 1st time getting out of the house, absolute mission, brought a special strap for the pushchair for my wrist as I was convinced that my hands would stop working and I would let go of the pushchair, 2nd time have been known to forget to put the brake on and she has slowly rolled off.
  • 1st time going for lunch out and about (because this is what you think you will be doing all time when you are on maternity leave before you have the baby, happens very rarely) would be stressing about a routine and whether your baby might make any noise and they might even cry (!) and you just cant handle the stares. Now once you have experienced a full toddler melted down in the middle of pizza express a few tears from a baby is nothing. Once you have been in this parenting routine for a while you forget what a quiet lunch would be like and actually find it hard to sit still if you actually get a chance to be alone.
  • Baby classes, 1st time I was so nervous that my baby might touch another baby or not stay awake for the full hour, I always use to compare notes with other mums, constantly comparing where my baby was on the progress table of other babies his age. Now I’m in and out quick chats then straight back onto it and I’m jealous of these 1 baby mums but I remember at that time I found it so hard stressing about everything.
  • Weaning, 1st time probably started to early, then went onto baby led weaning or baby linguine, as in the pasta (that’s what I actually thought it was called in my sleep deprived state, you could of told me anything in those days and I would of believed it). 2nd time, poor old baby gets the odd bit of food that she chucks around and then drops on the floor, but she likes it and she is happy so its all good.
  • Constantly assessing poo, 1st time checking poo for colour, smells, consistency and basically thinking he was ill everyday, but he was actually fine. 2nd time just change it and move on. Also this time I have pretty much a constant napisan soak on the go.

 

 

Maybe I should have been more relaxed but in my mind I needed to do this in depth the 1st time as now I feel I’ve exhausted any possible options and I’m enjoying it a lot more.

 

 

Baby cinema – The review

If you fancy feeling a bit normal in the hazy days of having a baby and enjoying sitting down for a rest and cuddling your baby this is the event for you.

I was invited to try out the new baby cinema event at Trinity Arts Centre in Tunbridge Wells with my little girl Grace who is 7 months old by mumstheword.online. I was a little sceptical at first as Grace is not one for loud noises, I can’t even use sellotape without her crying but I thought we would give it go and I’m glad we did as we both enjoyed the experience and the new Ghostbusters film.

There is easy access to the building and into the theatre, everyone left their buggies at the front of the cinema in a buggy park area and this worked well especially for the parents that had really young ones as there was room to have your buggy in front of you so you could put them down for a nap and rock whilst watching the film. I had Grace on my lap and she loved the screen and really enjoyed the music. The lights stayed up so you can clearly see what is going on if you needed to feed, grab toys or stand at the side to rock your baby. Grace had a feed and had a couple of naps and also spent a lot of the time looking at the screen and chewing various toys. There was a relaxed atmosphere and no one cared if your baby cried because everyone was in the same boat.

It was well organised and they have good baby facilities at Trinity including a great cafe with plenty of highchairs, space for pushchairs and easy access to changing facilities.

I would definitely recommend this to parents that don’t want to miss out on the cinema experience and who are usually climbing into bed when a normal films start at the cinema.

There are more events planned, here is the link to the parents and babies page at Trinity.

http://www.trinitytheatre.net/pandb